Construction in my lane, road ahead blocked, and I was going fast enough that by the time I registered it I had no real choice but to swerve, no time to check my mirrors, no time to think. Just move and hope.

I was shaking after. Not just from the adrenaline. From what came right after it. The overthinking. Why didn't I see it sooner. Why do I keep making mistakes today. What is wrong with me.

And then, out of nowhere, it hit me that this feeling wasn't new. It wasn't even really about driving. It was the same feeling I carry everywhere.

I've always felt like I had to prove I was enough.

I've always felt like I had to prove I was enough.

On the road it sounds like this: everyone can tell I haven't been driving long. Every driver around me somehow knows. They're watching my lane choices, clocking my hesitation, quietly judging every decision I make from their cars.

So I rush joining lanes because I can't let them see me looking. I can't let them know that checking side mirrors still makes me anxious. That I wait until I can see the full car in my rear view before I feel safe, which on a busy road means I'm waiting a long time, heart slightly raised, trying to look like I'm not. It embarrasses me. Which is the most honest thing I can say about it.

This isn't just driving. It's everywhere. The thing I'm scared to admit in any area of my life is that I'm still learning. Still figuring it out. Still making the kind of mistakes that only happen when something is new. Because admitting that feels like handing people ammunition. Like the moment they know I don't have it together, they'll stop trusting me. Stop thinking I'm capable. Won’t ever choose me, after they see through the version of me, I've been working so hard to project.

I know there are only two ways out of it. Stay anxious and keep hiding it. Or face it and let people see me mid-process, mistakes and all.

I don't know which one I'm choosing yet. Maybe writing this is a third option I didn't know existed.

If you also carry the weight of having to seem further along than you are…
Hi. Me too.